For my brother

This post is for my brother. I don’t know his name or what he looks like. I don’t know what type of person he would’ve been, but I have a pretty good idea of the person he became. He never got a chance at life; he was one of the 1.2 million people murdered by abortion in 1995. I’ve known about him since I was very young, but I didn’t know that he was aborted until my mother mentioned it in casual conversation when I was 17. He was a footnote; he didn’t matter.

My brother was a human sacrifice. My mom didn’t have any health issues or anything, but the world that she lived in would’ve been hostile towards her motherhood. She was still a college student and her boyfriend must have been unremarkable because I don’t know anything about him. Well, other than that he signed off on killing his own son, my half-brother. My mom described him as “an idiot.” I also know that my mom was having sex with him while she was on birth control and that they were both bewildered when it failed. Women are taught that birth control is a magic spell that allows them to have sex with people they don’t respect with no consequences. When it doesn’t work… well, you can always just kill your kids. Or only have sex with people you like enough to have kids with, but that’s puritanical and leads to the Handmaid’s Tale.

I don’t hold anything against my mother. All things considered, I think she was a good person. I believe (and pray) that she’s in Heaven. That may sound strange to say about a murderer, but abortion is chiefly an act of ignorance. Women simply don’t understand that their babies have souls. They hear it, but they fail to register that it’s true. Religion had disappeared from our society for many decades and it only recently started clawing its way back. It was replaced by the religion of secular medicine, and doctors are trained to treat humans as livestock. A fetus doesn’t have health insurance and women will pay to kill them. So “doctors” lie to women that it’s a neutral, guiltless, and sanitary act. They’ll propagate blatant lies like “the fetus doesn’t feel pain” (how the fuck would they even know that? Does their equipment register the spiritual despair of realizing that your life has been stolen?) and will participate in science/research projects that presuppose the worth of human life to be subjective. I don’t need to dwell on this; everyone knows what I’m talking about. My point is that women who have abortions (for the most part) are not willful murderers. They are brainwashed, and the actual murderers are the abortion providers and their associated acts (i.e., almost all of “science”).

With that out of the way, I will now explain why the worldview promoted by those doctors is so profoundly evil. The idea that life begins at conception is not a mere religious technicality. It’s a fact that has serious consequences. My brother’s death left a hole in my life that was perceptible long before I knew about the abortion. He was sacrificed so that I could later be born. Sometimes, I feel that his blood is on my hands. It’s a lingering guilt that I know is irrational. But that feeling is more of a recent one; what I’ve absolutely felt and what I have always been certain of is that I was supposed to have a sibling - or an older relative, a best friend, a mentor, some type of role model - that is missing from my life. I don’t care if you don’t believe that I’ve always had that knowledge. People use hindsight and cherry-picking all the time to claim that they “always knew” things that they discovered or hallucinated, so I can’t prove it. It isn’t even important to my point. But yes, from an inexplicably young age, I imagined myself having an older brother guiding me through life. I went through a “multiple personality” phase from 10 to 19 that I strongly believe was caused by my brother living vicariously through my body. I stopped feeling his presence when I, or we, were baptized. It’s all true and it’s all beside the point.

My brother would’ve been a rock for me to rely on. My father was a very weak man, so having a 20-year-old half-brother to hang out with when I was 10 would have been awesome. Maybe he would’ve been the one to teach me how to stand up for myself so I wouldn’t have had to learn the hard way. Maybe he could’ve helped me with homework, or taught me how to work out (my dad taught me to do sets of 20 bicep curls, and nothing else, I think because he saw that in a movie). Maybe he wouldn’t have done anything at all. Maybe he would’ve been given up for adoption and he would’ve refused contact with his biological family for some reason. It still would’ve been cool to know that he exists! To know that there’s someone around my age who has some of my DNA; someone who might understand me. Instead he’s dead, and they threw his ass into an incinerator with no funeral. Womp womp.

Of course, this thought experiment is selfish. I’m acting as if he would’ve only touched my life and nobody else’s. How many others would he have met? Who else was he stolen from? Would he have become a doctor or a scientist? An athlete, given my beautiful genes (which are all from my mom’s side!)? From what I know about myself and what I’ve sensed about him in times he’s been with me, the one thing I’m sure of is that he wouldn’t have been a meek type of guy. He might’ve joined the military or maybe some weird political cause. Who knows. All I know is he was a passionate guy. That’s why he didn’t go to Heaven right away and why he stuck with me instead. I’m sure he would have helped a lot of people, maybe even some of you… but he’s dead and no one protected him, so oh well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do the whole “he could’ve cured cancer!” cliché. I’m sure he would’ve been a mortal man like the rest of us. But more people have been aborted in the United States than people who died in the Holocaust. When you add all those regular people together, the hole left in the fabric of our world is incalculable. We’re missing good people and we don’t remember or know anything about them.

What would have been so wrong about him being alive? Would it have been so disgraceful for me to have an unplanned half-sibling? My fucking little sister was unplanned anyway, so who cares!? The only difference is she was conceived in a context where my parents could pretend that she was part of a planned family. That superficial difference is why she’s alive and my big bro is dead. If my mom had a child in college, everyone around her would have judged her as some sort of retard. That couldn’t have been on purpose! So why didn’t she just abort? Oooh, she must be some sort of nun! That means she’s not enlightened like us. I guess she’s some type of Nazi? No one would have helped her financially (at least, not enough) because it’d be more convenient to just withhold money and hope she aborts. To overcome these circumstances, my mother would have needed some serious devotion. She would’ve needed to assert, by herself, to the entire world, that her child was deserving of life. But how could she have known that to be true without a connection to God; a connection that our secular culture led her away from? Even if she suspected that she was doing something wrong, there are sinister people who would convince her that her suspicion was the result of patriarchal brainwashing. Again, those people are the real murderers, not my mom; although, I know my mom will also need some serious repentance to be forgiven.

I know my mom was a good person, and that the weight of what she did simply never occurred to her. I’m the one who felt it the most. All I can do is remember my brother and write this post in memorial to him. To my brother who never was blessed with a name: thank you for watching over me. I’m sure that we would’ve had a lot more fun together if things were right, but at least I was able to lead you to baptism. I never would have made it that far without your strength. I wish you had an actual gravestone to visit, but I’ll always have your tattoo to remember you by. I know you’re at peace because I felt you disappear from there on our last day together. The world is finally turning away from the secular religion that killed you and ruined millions of lives. I don’t know if we’ll replace these falsehoods with truth or with some sort of compromise, but anything is better than this. I pray that we at least come to recognize that every human has infinite worth, and that no child is ever again discarded the way that you were. It would’ve been imperfect, but you deserved to exist.