Eat burp change

Today marks two weeks of my newborn son living in my house. I was once fascinated by the thought of his unlimited potential. Now it’s a little scary, because it’s finally dawned on me that I have no fucking clue who this guy is. I know less about him than I know about my wife’s cats. I picked out his name, I take care of him, he sleeps in my room, but I could not tell you a single thing about him. (By “him,” of course, I’m referring to his immortal soul and not to his material identity or body.) I do know that he’s narcoleptic, apparently even for a baby. He got that from my wife.

It was an adjustment at first, but we got into a routine. Every two and a half hours he eats, burps, wants to be changed, and then he’s hungry again by the time I’m done changing him, so he finishes eating and burping. We put him in the crib and I have time to work out or play Dispatch until the cycle repeats. I binge-read all of Fire Punch throughout a few days’ worth of eating and burping. Holy shit, it was a masterpiece. Don’t get me wrong, Chainsaw Man is good too, but I was shocked that Fujimoto could write something without its massive pacing and focus issues. The ending made me cry. But I only had around twenty seconds before I had to snap myself out of it, because he needed to be changed and then fed and burped again.

The worst part is the fucking doctor’s visits. Holy shit, I hate all of these doctors. We’ve gone off and back onto the higher-calorie formula because of different “professionals” contradicting each other. It turns out my son prefers the taste or consistency or whatever of the higher-calorie option, so he eats a lot more of it. Any amateur fitness coach could tell you that dietary adherence is the most important thing. Why do pediatricians just not understand basic concepts like that? All doctors are out-of-touch to some extent, but pediatricians are the worst by far. No, I don’t want to vaccinate my son against a fucking sexually transmitted disease that was taken off the vaccine schedule. I don’t care if “you like the AAP more than the CDC.” If there are two different vaccination guidelines, why the FUCK would I go with the one that STILL recommends the clotshot that killed my dad? Why would I opt for any more vaccines than the bare minimum to be able to attend school? Do doctors still think that “vaccine” is a positive word? We all lived through COVID. The patient’s grandpa got merked by one of the many vaccines recommended by the AAP (but not the CDC anymore, thank God). Eat, burp, change, say no to unnecessary vaccines, and then respectfully decline to have my foreskin lobbed off for no reason.

We also said no to circumcising him. And then we said no again. They wanted to make sure, so we said no again. And again. We’re not circumcising him. Yeah, we’re not circumcising him. We said no to that. Thanks for asking. We’re not circumcising him. By the way, we do not want him circumcised. I really appreciate them caring about our health and making sure we’re informed about the Jewish custom of “metzitzah b’peh.” In layman’s terms, this is when a Jewish rabbi sucks the blood out of your son’s penis after mutilating it. The practice is common enough that hospitals give info pamphlets about it to all parents by default. The pamphlet advises you not to do it, because your son might get herpes, but we also must stress that we respect your decision if you do want your son to be molested on his eighth day of life. As long as he’s vaxxed. (Obviously, even most Jews don’t do this, but I guess enough do that we all need the pamphlet about it.) Women have some nerve to complain about creepy doctors. Let’s just leave it at that, or maybe I’ll rant about it after the next eat/change/burp cycle.

Between the eating, burping, and changing, I have three approximately two-hour intervals of free time. I use them to exercise because I can’t let him down, or game for some basic mental stimulation, or try to have a normal interaction with my wife (difficult without sleep), or write a quick blog post to keep from going insane. I dropped out of school; already accomplished what I set out to do there, and I’ll still use this blog to spread my ideas for good measure. I couldn’t think of any reason to spend time away from my kid, unless I’m making money to spend on him. Eating, burping, and changing is just too thrilling. And who fucking knows what could happen to him if I’m away for too long? What if he reveals a bit about himself and I miss it? Or what if the doctor tries to convince my wife to give him “baby Tylenol” and I have to be here to explain to her why that’s a catastrophic idea?

One day, my son is going to grow into a man. If I do everything right, he’ll be strong enough to protect himself. But right now he’s a tiny baby who’s constantly crying and shitting and burping. I don’t know anything about him. I don’t know his preferences, strengths, or weaknesses. All I know is that I brought him into an evil world full of perverts who want to poison him and lob off various parts of his penis. To coach or to “train” someone, regardless of what for, you have to know their temperament and what they respond well to. How can I prepare him to be a man without knowing any of this information? I don’t know. I really don’t know. I’m kind of scared. This is out of my hands. I haven’t had this little control over anything since I was a little kid, when my own parents completely failed me. For now, all I can do is put these fears aside and get through the next eat/burp/change. Worrying about it won’t do any good. Right now he’s just a baby. I know this is all a little redundant with my last post, but I’m a lot less confident than I was back then. God is real, so I guess it’s still fine. I’ll protect him no matter what. He’s still crying, he’s still hungry, and he still needs to burp and then get changed. Any advice is welcome, and I hope my feelings are relatable.